1. American Psycho (2000).
Features naked Christian Bale which is a plus, but he is trying to kill a prostitute while screaming “NOT THE FUCKING FACE, YOU PIECE OF BITCH TRASH” which is not so good.
2. Final Destination (2000).
The movie where you may as well just lay down and let death take its course because it’s gonna get you anyway.
3. What Lies Beneath (2000).
Proof that no fucking good can come from using a Ouija board.
4. Jeepers Creepers (2001).
“Jeeper Creepers, where’d you get those peepers?” The answer to that is the heads of other people.
5. The Others (2001).
Reason 248 not to have children. They just attract trouble.
6. Cabin Fever (2002).
If you’re going to rent a cabin in the woods in the arse-end of nowhere then you have to expect bad things to happen.
7. Halloween: Resurrection (2002).
Halloween should be renamed This Man Won’t Fucking Die Ever because he’s been killed in like, a dozen films but still manages to get his ass out of his grave and cause chaos.
8. The Ring (2002).
Watch a VHS and die? This movie is the entire reason DVDs were invented, probably.
9. Freddy vs. Jason (2003).
What’s better than one person who wants to cut your head off? Two, obviously. The golden nugget of this movie is Kelly Rowland, who stepped out from behind Beyoncé’s shadow and somehow didn’t win an oscar.
10. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003).
Doesn’t Texas seem like a nice place to take a road trip? The locals will apparently welcome you with open arms and chainsaws. Absolutely delightful.
11. Creep (2004).
It’s not just the rats you have to be scared of on the underground.
12. The Grudge (2004).
Plot: Little girl with dark hair haunting the living shit out of everybody, basically.
13. Saw (2004).
No, nobody wants to play a game with a little clown puppet riding a fucking bike. Fuck off.
14. The Amityville Horror (2005).
Naked Ryan Reynolds. Literally nobody knows what else this movie is about because Ryan Reynolds and those abs.
15. The Descent (2005).
Dropping down into a cave to explore seems like an awfully good idea. Seriously, what good story didn’t start that way?
16. Wolf Creek (2005).
Any horror movie that’s based on a true story is an immediate nope.
17. The Hills Have Eyes (2006).
If you visit an area that’s closed off from the public, you’re dumb. Bad things will happen and you’ll only have yourself to blame.
18. Silent Hill (2006).
If your child starts screaming “Silent Hill” in their sleep, you remove yourself from the situation. You go to the other end of the country and leave it behind. End of.
19. When a Stranger Calls (2006).
This is partly why phone calls are the worst. You don’t know what crazy psycho is going to start calling you up.
20. Paranormal Activity (2007).
Buy a camera to watch yourself sleep and you’ll probably see some scary ass shit.
21. Vacancy (2007).
Staying in a motel in the middle of nowhere seems like a great idea, so everybody’s surprised when you find yourself trapped and stalked by people that want to kill you.
22. Dead Silence (2007).
Playing with a puppet that looks that evil when it’s not even doing anything just seems like a bad idea off the bat.
23. The Haunting in Connecticut (2009).
Again with the kids. DON’T HAVE THEM.
24. My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009).
It’s just what everybody wants on Valentine’s Day: chocolates, flowers, and an axe murderer trying to kill you.
25. Sorority Row (2009).
TBH watching the first 20 minutes of this movie is the most infuriating thing ever because like, pranking somebody’s death really wasn’t going to end well, was it?
26. The Uninvited (2009).
Notice the title of this movie? The Uninvited. You are not invited to this party. Heed the warning and save lives.
