As the proud owner of lady bits, I am shocked, appalled, and utterly disgusted by what I see in the restrooms for those who also have lady bits. Men may not realize this, but women’s bathrooms can be just as bad, if not worse, than the men’s. I will list the offensive behaviors in ascending order.
1. When you are in the stall, end the call… It is one thing to be at home talking on the phone in the bathroom; normally it is to someone who you have known all your life or your best friend who knows more about you than you do anyway. However, no one in public restrooms wants to hear your conversations on who you slept with, what “that one bitch at work” did, why you shouldn’t have eaten Mexican food for lunch, or what your dinner plans are while taking a deuce. Not only are you offending the olfactory senses of those in the neighboring stalls, you are offending our auditory senses with your poor lack of knowledge of the English language and the subsequent slaughter of it. To quote Sherlock, “Do not speak, you are lowering the IQ of the entire street.”
2. Tiny scraps of toilet paper. Why the hell can you not pick these up and throw them away? I realize that some toilet paper dispensers are broken and you have to carefully coach the paper square by square. I also realize that sometimes you have to start a new roll. However, this is not an excuse to throw a confetti party for Charmin every time you use a restroom. They know they are not going to go out of business, because we will always do ours.
3. Long strips of toilet paper on the floor. Are you trying to make your stall more festive with these strips, or are you that selective over which squares can touch your ass and which can not? There is also the option that maybe you are working up the techniques for toilet papering your rival sorority. Or planning a party for Charmin, I repeat, they do to need a party every time you take a piss.
4. Hovering. This I do not have an issue with, being germaphobic myself, as long as you wipe your own damn piss off the seat. You will not catch a disease from your own urine. I promise. Furthermore, you will not catch anything from anyone else’s urine. Urine is principally water, and is NOT toxic.
5. Flushing. In today’s modern world everything is becoming automatic and touch free. Well not every toilet is like that. I do not want to walk into a stall and see the man sized deuce you left behind. Are you looking for people to score your bowel movements on a scale of one to ten? Or was the sh*t so big that you ran screaming in horror from what just came out of your body. Furthermore, when I see sh*ts like the one described, WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY TOILET PAPER IN THE BOWL!?! Oh yeah, that is right, you threw a party for Charmin! Which again, they do not need.
6. Hand washing. This goes back to the ‘end the call when in the stall.’ I have noticed the “sh*t talkers” walk straight out of the stall and never wash their hands. First off, ewwww… Second, you wonder why no one shakes your hand, because they smell like sh*t.
7. Excrement of the floors and walls. As the mother of a young boy, I understand when you are helping a child in the restroom and they miss. The bowls are high, they are short, it happens. Wipe it up. But why in the hell would you piss behind the toilet, or feel the need to smear your sh*t on the walls? The cute sayings written in sh*t do not make it any better. You are seriously f**ked up.
8. Whistling/singing Snow White’s seven little dwarves brought us the song, “Whistle While You Work.” This is not the time for it. Yes I know this is in my top offensive list because I have heard people singing praise Jesus songs and letting out major tuba farts. This. Is. Not. Cool. I understand not being able to go. I had a hysterectomy last year and could not go for a week, and the first time I took a sh*t, the earth moved, but I did not sing gospel music, nor did I say a prayer. I had silent tears of relief running down my face. Singing in the bathroom goes with the cell phones, but on a much creepier level.
In closing, women, start being ladies, clean up your sh*t. No one else has time to be your mother. And please for the love of all things holy, WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!
